On most days I have my shit together, or I have at least faked it until I miraculously made it through the day.
I always have an opinion, a plan, a plan B through J and a “I will make it through if it kills me” attitude. While I appreciate your opinion on what actions to take in my life, I had genuinely contemplated it 3 moves back and decided against it. I probably won’t take the time to explain it to you, I will just move forward.
My fierce independence and Alpha Female personality aren’t characteristics that sit well with everyone. While I have some pretty special cheerleaders who celebrate the whole of me, more than one Internet article informs me that me and my Alpha ilk will end up alone and bitter. Yay.
Many have told me flat out that my load-it-up, get-shit-done, hold-on-its-getting-crazier approach to life is one of my (many) fatal flaws. I was very recently dumped by a once dear friend because I too strongly wear the traits from the ugly side of my Alpha coin, overshadowing any other redeeming qualities I may have.
However, I need my Alpha. She gets me through the chaos of my life. She bolsters me to thrive in the many children, the changed 5 year plans, the drama that I revel in, the where are we going to live now-ness of my life. Some people appreciate that in me, and I get that some don’t. The drama and the chaos in which forms our family’s ecosystem is not the preferred way of being for most.
My Alpha does make it very hard to ask for help. Not because I don’t want it, but because I feel my choices put me in each particular moment and no one should have to shoulder the responsibility of my decisions. Why should others have to step up for the gaps in my capabilities? Also, maybe I just cannot articulate what that one helpful thing would be. It doesn’t mean I don’t need or would appreciate the help. And it doesn’t mean I don’t feel the eye rolls and snickers of the select few who are in a position to help or reach out, but choose to not to in what I only assume is a “well, she never asks for my help, too late now” kind of way. I feel those deeply.
But more powerfully, I feel genuine awe in the size of our tribe, our second degree acquaintances and the complete strangers who have come to us with their arms extended offering the moral support and small gestured kinds of help this family needs right now.
This family, our family, is living in a hotel, waiting to hear if we can move back home after a storm damaged our house. It is not homelessness, nor poverty, nor death. But in this short 10 days, it has become a bone weary stress on our 3 kids, our marriage, our sanity and the last weeks of a long – complicated pregnancy. The disruption of our organized chaos is so discombobulating, I feel like I am barely holding on, my Alpha abilities have been shaken.
Underneath the attempt to stay positive and laugh off the plot twists in our life, I struggle each day in how to ask for the help we need. Because my amazing husband/partner/rock and I just “do”, we don’t often stop to consider how others could do for us. It is a head down, “this too shall pass” mentality that I know and am familiar with in moments of stress. Sharing that load is not a comfortable state for me. But we are getting there.
And when we get through this and settle back down to our natural level of chaos and drama, I hope my Alpha will have made it through intact as well. I also hope she will have grown and learned to be a gracious accepter of help, because we have been so blessed by those who took a minute to stop and reach out to make sure our family, the high maintenance ones every village has, will make it through.